Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. ~Swedish Proverb

Venting: to give free play or expression to (an emotion, passion, etc.): to vent rage.

No relationship is perfect and everyone functions differently and shines best in their comfort environments. However, when conflicts arise or intimate details are deemed note worthy, we all seek someone to share the information with. Sometimes that information is too personal or could result in more conflict if shared, so what then?

It is always healthy to let it out. Find an outlet whether it be a friend or family member, a journal, art, a counselor or coach. Make sure where ever or who ever you entrust is worthy of that trust. Also, keep alcohol out of the equation- just trust me on this one.

True venting should leave you feeling good, better than before. If it leaves you with guilt or worry then your source was probably not the right choice.

Venting should be seen as an art form.  You wouldn’t just give your prized possession away to just anyone, would you? You would find some one worthy, capable of its care. If no one of that magnitude exists in your life then you would keep it for your self. This same principle should be used when dealing with your secrets or rants and raves.  Only a worthy person capable of its care that would  have your trust with your most prized possessions should be considered a reliable person to vent to, unless of course you don’t care that your topic be shared with others.

Treat your thoughts as the prized art it should be seen as. You don’t need any added stress resulting from trying to relieve the stress by venting in the first place.

When all else fails- scream into a pillow.

Rarely are the details as simple as black and white.. It is in the gray that your truths will come out. Explore the shadows of your relationship.

“We don’t love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities”.  Jacques Maritain

One major concept is the level of relationship or importance of that relationship. We all have certain past relationships that were more meaningful or more life changing. These become our foundation relationships that will create the base for all future relationships. This can be by showing us what we want and like or by doing the exact opposite, regardless they are lessons learned and they create the foundation for relationships that follow.

The problem with foundation relationships is that often one individual from the failed relationship will place a higher importance in that relationship than the other previous partner will. This is normal but can be painful to the partner that is not considered as important as the other. This process tends to lead to a lowered sense of value and can often push that individual into relationships with partners that are not equal to their level. This leads to more failed relationships and a diminishing belief that they will ever find the right match. Another thing that tends to happen is that one partner will place the emphasis on the previous partner in a ‘better than it should be’ way. An example would be going into future relationships comparing current partners to your previous one, placing the previous on a pedestal making it hard to find someone suitable in comparison.

This is not the end though. Once the perception of the past relationship is lifted and baggage associated with it removed- these individuals tend to have more stable and beneficial relationships than those who go through believing they were not as affected as the other.

The process for resolving these perceptions is quite easy however the person must be interested in decoding and letting go of that past relationship. A breaking down of what ever was built up. They should not be forgotten as they will forever be a part of your past and contribute to your relationship foundation, yet they need to be put in their rightful place in your memory. Past relationships should not actively play or participate, in any form, in your current or future relationships. Every relationship needs to be its own entity. Baggage has to be left at the door if you want any future possibilities to succeed and strive. For those who struggle with this concept I strongly urge a form of Relationship Coaching or Counseling to help you. Granted this is not always the solution but it can be helpful.

When you let all that you do be in love and come from love, those fights become constructive. You will begin to understand the true meaning of resolution. You will learn to accept that little voice inside your head telling you when that thin line is approaching and to listen when it says to back up.  You many even learn when to not fight altogether.

Being in love and coming from a place of love are two different things. However, without coming from a place of love, it is easy to turn to resentment, hostility, negativity, avoidance, numbness, etc. All  easy ways to lose love. Love is a precious component of life. It should be regarded as a treasure and treated accordingly. Since this is much easier said than done, just making the effort to come from love is a grand step in the right direction.

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Despite contrary beliefs, most guys and gals want the same thing- a partner. This is a state of relationship that takes work and time and (dare I say it) commitment.  So we need to pass the initial dating phase without a hitch to set the foundation for that partnerhood.  What can we do to help those first few dates go smoothly? Let’s start with dining options…

The dinner date: To eat or not to eat. Eatting, as odd as this sounds, is one of the most bonding experiences. To be able to be face to face with your date doing something that is rarely attractive and with very little ability to communicate without being gross, all the while keeping each others interest, is a task that is hard to swallow at first.  A few tips- NEVER talk with food in your mouth, sounds obvious enough but when you are trying to hold a conversation and enjoy a meal at the same time it can happen. Pick a place that both of you would enjoy but keep in mind the food options. For example, dont take her to a sports bar if she isnt into sports no matter how good the wings and beer are. And messy foods like pasta, soup, and ribs, should be reserved for when you have become comfortable being dirty in front of each other.

According to our research: Want to impress your guy- go with a steak restaurant and order a steak. Want to impress your girl- go to a sushi bar.

The next big thing is entertainment. Ultimately you should be the entertaining factor but you still need somewhere to do the entertaining. This initial stage of a relationship is all about getting to know one another to determine if a next stage if something you both would want to try. So pick something that both of you would enjoy but somewhere you can interact. I know dinner and a movie tends to be a top pick but I would advise against it. To me its a cheating date- you cant fully communicate at dinner (Remember no talking with food in your mouth) and then again nothing at the movies, so wheres the actual dating part? You know, when you learn if you like each other and all? I think something interactive is important, even maybe competitive, like miniature golf or bowling, or simple like an art show or museum, or adventurous like a hike together.. All interactive dates that can showcase a talent or knowledge or even just a goofy side. All have the ability to let your personality shine and to strike up some possibly meaningful conversations. Leave the cheating dates till later..

Now that we have the ‘what to do’ questions answered, here are a few tips:

Although this is obvious in my book, I hear complaints on this topic a lot- Have great hygiene!  Take a shower and brush your teeth before your dates. Do not expect your morning routine to have kept you fresh all day for your dinner date. Put on a clean outfit and dress to impress.. but wear something appropriate for the date.  Do not wear a mini skirt or a suit on a hike, just because you may look your best in front of your mirror does not mean you will not look ridiculous on your date.

Come prepared to pay. Do not show up empty handed because you assume your date has you covered. Unless it was already discussed, at least offer to cover your portion. With the economy the way it is, it is better safe than sorry. It is nice at the beginning to share the financial responsibilities of the dates. I am not a fan of going dutch as it symbolizes more of a friendship than a budding romance, so how about take turns. It alleviates the burden and allows both to contribute while maintaining that dating atmosphere.

Last, but definitely not least.. Have fun! If you are bored chances are your date is too! Court each other, it may be an old tradition but its worthy of a come back. Enjoy this fun and exciting portion of all new relationships. Hopefully it will be the beginning of your great love story.

Well let me tell you from both a professional aspect and a personal one, it does change!

Now you are no longer just a girlfriend or boyfriend or fiance… you are a spouse. The vows arent just words, its not just a party.. its a commitment.. a bond.. a responsibility to eachother- to be there, to care, to honor and respect in good times and in bad times. And trust me those bad times happen. With a simple phrase you become entrusted with your spouse’s well being and vice versa.

This may seem like a lot but if you are ready this added level of commitment and responsibility should be welcomed. If you are sweating right now just reading this, maybe you should take a breath and think if you are really ready.

In this country the divorce rates are outstanding, couples are turning to open relationships just to seek passion, and married people are getting the reputation of being unhappy. The best way to go into marriage is with open arms and an open heart.

One way to accomplish this is to set out your expectations and beliefs of what marriage is and what the future may bring. Take inventory of both sides and see what compromises need to be made and if they realistically can be met. Make a couples contract- write down what you both agree on. Make sure you cover all the areas that are important to both of you. Take this seriously as this will eliminate some of the surprises down the road. Things can always change but at least you will have created a foundation of beliefs that your new family can build upon.

Try to allow this process is to be a fun interactive one. If it starts an argument move on and come back to it later when you both have cooled down.

Remember wedding vows are a contract. Do not enter into it lightly. Go forth with full meaning of every word you say. Do not take that day for granted.

*For more information on how to prepare for your upcoming nuptials check out our Marital Preparation Course.